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rotaryak

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The end of another :( [Jun. 27th, 2009|03:19 am]
rotaryak
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]

I loved but I did not give everything inside of me. I was reserved. I did not give all of my feelings. I was scared. Then when someone goes and crawls into someone elses bed when you are kinda in and out of a relationship it changes things. You feel vulnerable, unattractive, unloved. I am a master at masking my feelings and I will continue to do so, but I will say this..... I am heart shattered... it has gone beyond broken. They will always be in my thoughts and my love does not end for them. I am not the same person I used to be and in saying that I will not return to my old ways. I will keep to myself, friends and family. If I had a wall built around me before... I have a fortress now. May time heal my internal wounds. And may love make the other persons understanding and patience grow. I love you where ever you may be. But for now that love in channeled somewhere else to make me move on.
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bad news [Jan. 25th, 2009|09:15 pm]
rotaryak
Some ailments can't be corrected. Things got worse this past thursday or friday. From this point on I will keep a running log on how things are progressing. I should have taken this time years ago but I did not understand it as well as I do now, and I took the idea that it was only going to progress as far as it was. Was I mistaken. Critical vision gone.
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(no subject) [Jan. 7th, 2009|02:54 am]
rotaryak
Old vs. New ..... Sour vs. Sweet. Homeostasis?
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Thoughts [Nov. 10th, 2008|03:42 am]
rotaryak
[mood |confusedconfused]

Relationships?????


When you work so hard in the relationship, it goes ,it just goes,and have no knowledge why. So you do everything in your power to fix it, at all cost. Then you realize it's just broke. You then set it outside on the curb, so then someone else takes it. Now for some reason it works again ,figure that one out.

So many questions:

1. Friends w/benefits???? thats good maybe for a while but just EMPTY!

2.How can you be friends, if your not good enough to be in the relationship. Can you really change modes?

3. If your lost communication, honesty, trust,respect, whats left?

4. There will always be younger, prettier ,richer, but who you go home with/ come home to is the answer? I think the Mona Lisa is beautiful, but I don't care to own it.

5. Money seems to be the root of evil, they say it's not important, but why do they change when they get it?

6.The fear of commitment???? Afraid of missing the next best thing? People just don't talk anymore, back to eaiser to walk away, then to deal with it.

7. The people you hurt in the process. How it really effect them?
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Blown away [Oct. 16th, 2008|02:42 am]
rotaryak
[mood |shockedshocked]

I need to put some thoughts down. I am shocked and a bit disappointed in myself. When Derek came to my house I know he was going to break up with me. I was okay with that and I was prepared and I even made a CD for him to say that I was not upset but to move on and start a friendship. He was acting like a child and would not accept my token of love/friendship. That is when it escalated as he threw the thing across my front lawn I started to boil. I put time and effort and even a little bit of love into it. When he was done talking and wanted things his way ... he proceeded to lay on the horn. It was something after 9... I live in a development and with my parents. I stepped back and hauled off and punched him in the face. I am blown away by my actions. I am a firm believer that hitting in a relationship or among friends is UN-necessary when trying to make a point. What went wrong tonight? Why did I do that? I have been a great deal more mad in many other situations... why did I do that. I wish I could discuss my feeling more in depth. I feel awful about what I did. I never want to hurt anyone. I want to talk about my actions and why did they happen?!?!?! However, Bea was interested in 5-0 and I did not want to rain on parades and really how on going is my situation vs other that are going on in the world? I am shocked and disappointed in myself and my actions.
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A vent [Oct. 5th, 2008|11:27 pm]
rotaryak
[mood |sadsad]

Well, I am hurt. I am not hurt often and not a great deal of things crawl under my skin. Today I am beyond the term skin crawling. However like a good nurse / nursing student you never show your real or true emotions. Actually I don't think it is possible for me to show emotions that linger inside of me. This boils down to love lost and showing and proving that people make mistakes. So then is it human nature to pour lemon juice in a healing wound to only remind yourself and others what pain feels like? It has come to my abrupt attention that some people hold... no grip... clutch.... on to things and NEVER let them go. To do that with somethings is a very good thing. For example family, friends, your Mazda. No joke. But how do you plan on moving on and plan on growing when you go around tearing people apart I would say that I have a very good handle on this topic. I used to be all about Tony. Whatever was best and whatever I could get out of someone was what I was all about. It took a great deal of time, loss of friends, and a reputation that still haunts me today. Why. I cry out why? Please look at others that have learned to love me again. I don't expect love.... but I do expect respect. I am not getting that. There are very few people that I can say have my full trust and respect. I am not speaking of a family member.. 99% of them I love and would lay my life down for them. However I am talking about that "extended family" The people that you met many moon ago and still are still in contact with. But it is not just a person that you call and chat with. It is someone that you know is there no matter what. You have shed a tear shared a laugh and had an entire conversation without even saying a word. These people are far and few between. In situations when things get ugly they are your rock. Anyways, after thought and some guidance I figured out two things that require focus and a great deal of it. Something that requires time and a grasp. First and foremost, school. It is mission critical to move me ahead in life and to obtain my goals. I have pretty much sowed my wild oats and there is no need for me to skip classes or be out till all hours. Secondly, work. Work is important but remember that school goes first. Caddy bitches at work may talk but one needs to push and make it through the day. Some things maybe said and may drive the blood pressure off the scale but it is nesscary to bit thy tough and move on. It pays bills, pays for school, gives you health benefits, and experience. at this point... I ust had a brain fart and I am stopping here. Bla..........
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Long time gone [Aug. 6th, 2008|12:45 am]
rotaryak
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

It has been a very long time since I have been on here. Erica said something about LJ and so I had to come back and check things out a bit. All I have to say is I went back and I looked at my last posts, I am happy that I am not that person anymore.
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WOW some time [Apr. 22nd, 2007|02:28 am]
rotaryak

It has been some time since I have been out here on this LJ stuff....   I have a car question and that is the only reason that I am back out here.

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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2006|03:04 pm]
rotaryak
[mood |determineddetermined]

 Simply put.......today is the first day of the rest of my life.     Ü
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2006|09:03 pm]
rotaryak
[mood |contentcontent]

It is not always as bad as it seems.... when life gives you lemons make some lemonade. :)
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